Distractic Three: There are two
approaches to this next distractic, either the 'Ace Ventura' or the
'Snape.' On the surface they seem totally different, but they are of
the same animal. Hopefully a sloth. They are meant to disarm your
co-workers and make yourself the kind of person people shy away from
engaging with.
The 'Ace Ventura,' the fun-loving fool,
cracking jokes and tacking 'kick me' notes on the backs of
co-workers. Always pretend this is endearing. Do impressions
of people in the office, recite entire scenes from the “The Big
Bang Theory” and do magic tricks, but poorly. If you do not have an
infectious laugh - practice one, preferably incorporating snorting.
Make sure that you organize a Tacky Christmas Sweater day at the
office. I don't care if you are Jewish. Do it. Get really excited
about any upcoming holidays regardless of whether you give a shit
about them or not. Decorate your cubicle as if it is a Macy's
storefront window display.
Not for you? Try the 'Snape.' Shuffle
around the office with a scowl plastered across your face. Always
have a complaint ready at hand, probably about the office 'Ace
Ventura' and their relentless cheeriness. Confront people in ways
that make them uncomfortable. If someone uses your coffee mug, dump
out their tea, then throw your mug in the garbage, mumbling under
your breath about respect and personal space.
Honestly, the 'Snape' works best if you
are 50+, the twenty year old sour curmudgeon is a tough sell. Plus,
if you are older you can treat everyone like a child who doesn't know
the value of a dollar and a hard days work. Have many stories that
start, “Back in my day....” and then recall your time at the mill
with Jerry, who lost both his hands in an unfortunate accident, but
learned to pull planks with his sliver riddled stumps. There was a
real worker!
Regardless of what you choose, people
will stay the hell away from you. Soon you will be padding down the
hall and co-workers will scatter before you as if you are a plague
addled escapee from a leper colony. Everyone will be so busy trying
to avoid you that they won't care if you are doing any work at all.
Mission accomplished.
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