DISTRACTIC THREE

Distractic Three: There are two approaches to this next distractic, either the 'Ace Ventura' or the 'Snape.' On the surface they seem totally different, but they are of the same animal. Hopefully a sloth. They are meant to disarm your co-workers and make yourself the kind of person people shy away from engaging with.

The 'Ace Ventura,' the fun-loving fool, cracking jokes and tacking 'kick me' notes on the backs of co-workers. Always pretend this is endearing. Do impressions of people in the office, recite entire scenes from the “The Big Bang Theory” and do magic tricks, but poorly. If you do not have an infectious laugh - practice one, preferably incorporating snorting. Make sure that you organize a Tacky Christmas Sweater day at the office. I don't care if you are Jewish. Do it. Get really excited about any upcoming holidays regardless of whether you give a shit about them or not. Decorate your cubicle as if it is a Macy's storefront window display.

Not for you? Try the 'Snape.' Shuffle around the office with a scowl plastered across your face. Always have a complaint ready at hand, probably about the office 'Ace Ventura' and their relentless cheeriness. Confront people in ways that make them uncomfortable. If someone uses your coffee mug, dump out their tea, then throw your mug in the garbage, mumbling under your breath about respect and personal space.

Honestly, the 'Snape' works best if you are 50+, the twenty year old sour curmudgeon is a tough sell. Plus, if you are older you can treat everyone like a child who doesn't know the value of a dollar and a hard days work. Have many stories that start, “Back in my day....” and then recall your time at the mill with Jerry, who lost both his hands in an unfortunate accident, but learned to pull planks with his sliver riddled stumps. There was a real worker!

Regardless of what you choose, people will stay the hell away from you. Soon you will be padding down the hall and co-workers will scatter before you as if you are a plague addled escapee from a leper colony. Everyone will be so busy trying to avoid you that they won't care if you are doing any work at all. Mission accomplished.

DISTRACTIC ONE

I am an expert at shilling my time for a moderate per hour wage, and doing the very least I need to without getting fired. We all work with people like this, we know people like this, hell, you might even be one of those people. Others may call you a 'slacker,' a 'dog fucker,' or maybe 'useless as tits on a bull' or some other woodsy folk cliché. They are all derogatory terms because the truth is you are skilled. To shirk work effectively requires talent and dedication. As much as our ancestors taught their children to start fires or set rabbit snares, this is a skill you can teach your children. At the core of this survival technique is a trio of solid, tried and true tactics, herein referred to as 'distractics.'

Distractic One: act like you are doing more work than anyone else, complain about how useless other people are. If you constantly point out the shortcomings of others, real or imagined, people will forget to notice that you yourself are spending all your time updating your Facebook profile. To be honest this is my least favorite distractic because it can breed animosity between yourself and other co-workers, but some people find that this works for them perfectly well.

If you look hard enough it will be easy to find the faults in your co-workers. It doesn't even have to be work related. Sometimes someone has a little tic or idiosyncrasy that you can point out to others. “Hey, have you ever noticed how whenever John breathes, his nose always whistles? Man, that drives me crazy.”

Soon Johns nose whistle will be driving everyone in the office crazy and their hate-on for him and his stupid nose will obliterate the fact that you are a lazy sack of shit. The process of ostracizing John and excluding him from all work functions will have begun. John, sorry babe, but you had to take one for the team. The team of doing little to no work.

To be continued...