DISTRACTIC THREE

Distractic Three: There are two approaches to this next distractic, either the 'Ace Ventura' or the 'Snape.' On the surface they seem totally different, but they are of the same animal. Hopefully a sloth. They are meant to disarm your co-workers and make yourself the kind of person people shy away from engaging with.

The 'Ace Ventura,' the fun-loving fool, cracking jokes and tacking 'kick me' notes on the backs of co-workers. Always pretend this is endearing. Do impressions of people in the office, recite entire scenes from the “The Big Bang Theory” and do magic tricks, but poorly. If you do not have an infectious laugh - practice one, preferably incorporating snorting. Make sure that you organize a Tacky Christmas Sweater day at the office. I don't care if you are Jewish. Do it. Get really excited about any upcoming holidays regardless of whether you give a shit about them or not. Decorate your cubicle as if it is a Macy's storefront window display.

Not for you? Try the 'Snape.' Shuffle around the office with a scowl plastered across your face. Always have a complaint ready at hand, probably about the office 'Ace Ventura' and their relentless cheeriness. Confront people in ways that make them uncomfortable. If someone uses your coffee mug, dump out their tea, then throw your mug in the garbage, mumbling under your breath about respect and personal space.

Honestly, the 'Snape' works best if you are 50+, the twenty year old sour curmudgeon is a tough sell. Plus, if you are older you can treat everyone like a child who doesn't know the value of a dollar and a hard days work. Have many stories that start, “Back in my day....” and then recall your time at the mill with Jerry, who lost both his hands in an unfortunate accident, but learned to pull planks with his sliver riddled stumps. There was a real worker!

Regardless of what you choose, people will stay the hell away from you. Soon you will be padding down the hall and co-workers will scatter before you as if you are a plague addled escapee from a leper colony. Everyone will be so busy trying to avoid you that they won't care if you are doing any work at all. Mission accomplished.

DISTRACTIC TWO

Shakespeare said, all the world is a stage. Fine advice from the man who pioneered this second distractic. You can follow in the footsteps of the master, only your stage need not be the world just your cubicle. We all know Shakespeare was a company actor who took credit for plays written by a charlady from Islington. This distractic requires all your De niro-esque acting chops. No one said shirking work would be easy.

Distratic Two: act as if you are under constant pressure and very likely on the verge of psychological and/or physical collapse. You should have a mantra and it should be something like, “Oh man, what a day, we were so busy. I didn't think that I was going to get everything done.”

Say it again with me: “Oh man, what a day, we were so busy. I didn't think that I was going to get everything done.”

Say that a few more times... there, feel that, it is almost like you've done work! You probably actually feel a little tired.

Hint: keep a spray bottle in your desk drawer and spritz your face down so you look like you are sweating under the weight of your work load.

This will dissuade co-workers, lazy hacks like yourself, from trying to shift their work load on to you. Make sure you complain about all the other projects you are working on: real, imaginary or otherwise. Combine that with your mantra and sweaty brow and they will eventually slink off to try to dump their work on someone else.

Your typical interaction with a co-worker should leave them feeling so sorry for you that they may buy you lunch or even offer to give you a food rub. Though the true goal is to firmly established yourself with this distractic so they offer to take projects or tasks on for you. In this way you create a task wheel of which you are the hub. The beauty is you can agree to do things for the boss and then have one of your 'spokes' pick it up and do it for you. This is a great distractic because work actually gets done and it looks as if you are doing it. Hurray!

This distractic is used universally by upper management. Soon they may recognize you as one of their own and you'll be on your way to a corner office and 'doing lunch'. The only thing required of you now is to book a decent tee time. Congratulations, you have been promoted. Don't thank me, thank Shakespeare.

DISTRACTIC ONE

I am an expert at shilling my time for a moderate per hour wage, and doing the very least I need to without getting fired. We all work with people like this, we know people like this, hell, you might even be one of those people. Others may call you a 'slacker,' a 'dog fucker,' or maybe 'useless as tits on a bull' or some other woodsy folk cliché. They are all derogatory terms because the truth is you are skilled. To shirk work effectively requires talent and dedication. As much as our ancestors taught their children to start fires or set rabbit snares, this is a skill you can teach your children. At the core of this survival technique is a trio of solid, tried and true tactics, herein referred to as 'distractics.'

Distractic One: act like you are doing more work than anyone else, complain about how useless other people are. If you constantly point out the shortcomings of others, real or imagined, people will forget to notice that you yourself are spending all your time updating your Facebook profile. To be honest this is my least favorite distractic because it can breed animosity between yourself and other co-workers, but some people find that this works for them perfectly well.

If you look hard enough it will be easy to find the faults in your co-workers. It doesn't even have to be work related. Sometimes someone has a little tic or idiosyncrasy that you can point out to others. “Hey, have you ever noticed how whenever John breathes, his nose always whistles? Man, that drives me crazy.”

Soon Johns nose whistle will be driving everyone in the office crazy and their hate-on for him and his stupid nose will obliterate the fact that you are a lazy sack of shit. The process of ostracizing John and excluding him from all work functions will have begun. John, sorry babe, but you had to take one for the team. The team of doing little to no work.

To be continued...