DISTRACTIC ONE

I am an expert at shilling my time for a moderate per hour wage, and doing the very least I need to without getting fired. We all work with people like this, we know people like this, hell, you might even be one of those people. Others may call you a 'slacker,' a 'dog fucker,' or maybe 'useless as tits on a bull' or some other woodsy folk cliché. They are all derogatory terms because the truth is you are skilled. To shirk work effectively requires talent and dedication. As much as our ancestors taught their children to start fires or set rabbit snares, this is a skill you can teach your children. At the core of this survival technique is a trio of solid, tried and true tactics, herein referred to as 'distractics.'

Distractic One: act like you are doing more work than anyone else, complain about how useless other people are. If you constantly point out the shortcomings of others, real or imagined, people will forget to notice that you yourself are spending all your time updating your Facebook profile. To be honest this is my least favorite distractic because it can breed animosity between yourself and other co-workers, but some people find that this works for them perfectly well.

If you look hard enough it will be easy to find the faults in your co-workers. It doesn't even have to be work related. Sometimes someone has a little tic or idiosyncrasy that you can point out to others. “Hey, have you ever noticed how whenever John breathes, his nose always whistles? Man, that drives me crazy.”

Soon Johns nose whistle will be driving everyone in the office crazy and their hate-on for him and his stupid nose will obliterate the fact that you are a lazy sack of shit. The process of ostracizing John and excluding him from all work functions will have begun. John, sorry babe, but you had to take one for the team. The team of doing little to no work.

To be continued...