WOLVERINE

One of the first comics that I bought was Wolverine #1.

Wolverine is bad ass.

First off, he is a cool Canadian comic book superhero. If you are a 12 year old Canadian boy it is slim pickin's to find an awesome Canadian superhero. Captain Canuck doesn't conjure up the same rugged, tortured persona of Wolverine. He is kind of like the Canadian Superman. Yes, he is good. Yes, he's a nice guy, he has all those qualities that you would hope a real-life superhero would possess, but he is sort of a dork.

Second, I don't care what you nerds out there say Wolverine is hands down the coolest X-man. Sure, those other X-men are complex characters with amazing powers, but they can not hold a candle, or an incendiary device of any kind, to Wolverine in the coolness department.

So, why have the Wolverine movies been so disappointing. They are not terrible. They are good popcorn movies, but they have failed to catch that certain something. Hugh Jackman is not the problem. That guy is Wolverine to his hard bitten core. He captures Wolverine perfectly. On the big screen you could not hope for a better knuckle blade swinging, gravelly voiced, oh, so coiffed dude.

How can Bryan Singer or Gavin Hood or whatever novice film director they want to helm the picture, how can he, or she (Kathryn Bigelow?), make it better?

It has to be Wolverine: The Musical.

Has anyone seen Hugh Jackman dance? That guy is an amazing dancer and dancing well = bad ass. I want to see him shimmy his way down an alley was tapping his nine inch claws to the rhythm of Nine Inch Nails just before he disembowels a couple of thugs.

Fans (re: nerds) might say that no one would believe it. How would you make it credible? People you are watching a movie about mutants who do battle with evil, mutants with special powers, some of whom are aliens from a distant planet and wear green tights. What would a few song and dance numbers be? Surely you can suspend your disbelief to encompass that. And did I mention that Hugh Jackman can dance like a Mo'Fo'. Look, no one watches Sharks and Jets battle it out and thinks to themselves, hmm, gangs of barely literate thugs singing to each other before they pull out switch blades; ridiculious. Sure all the nerds would be up in arms. They would think that it was ridiculous. They would be angry that Wolverine would be tap dancing. But those guys have never seen Christopher Walken tap it out in Pennies From Heaven. Again, dancing well = bad ass.

A tap dancing Wolverine, they would be cheering in the aisles of the theatre. Finally an X-men movie you can see with your grandmother.

A FRIDAY COMIC

DISTRACTIC THREE

Distractic Three: There are two approaches to this next distractic, either the 'Ace Ventura' or the 'Snape.' On the surface they seem totally different, but they are of the same animal. Hopefully a sloth. They are meant to disarm your co-workers and make yourself the kind of person people shy away from engaging with.

The 'Ace Ventura,' the fun-loving fool, cracking jokes and tacking 'kick me' notes on the backs of co-workers. Always pretend this is endearing. Do impressions of people in the office, recite entire scenes from the “The Big Bang Theory” and do magic tricks, but poorly. If you do not have an infectious laugh - practice one, preferably incorporating snorting. Make sure that you organize a Tacky Christmas Sweater day at the office. I don't care if you are Jewish. Do it. Get really excited about any upcoming holidays regardless of whether you give a shit about them or not. Decorate your cubicle as if it is a Macy's storefront window display.

Not for you? Try the 'Snape.' Shuffle around the office with a scowl plastered across your face. Always have a complaint ready at hand, probably about the office 'Ace Ventura' and their relentless cheeriness. Confront people in ways that make them uncomfortable. If someone uses your coffee mug, dump out their tea, then throw your mug in the garbage, mumbling under your breath about respect and personal space.

Honestly, the 'Snape' works best if you are 50+, the twenty year old sour curmudgeon is a tough sell. Plus, if you are older you can treat everyone like a child who doesn't know the value of a dollar and a hard days work. Have many stories that start, “Back in my day....” and then recall your time at the mill with Jerry, who lost both his hands in an unfortunate accident, but learned to pull planks with his sliver riddled stumps. There was a real worker!

Regardless of what you choose, people will stay the hell away from you. Soon you will be padding down the hall and co-workers will scatter before you as if you are a plague addled escapee from a leper colony. Everyone will be so busy trying to avoid you that they won't care if you are doing any work at all. Mission accomplished.

DISTRACTIC TWO

Shakespeare said, all the world is a stage. Fine advice from the man who pioneered this second distractic. You can follow in the footsteps of the master, only your stage need not be the world just your cubicle. We all know Shakespeare was a company actor who took credit for plays written by a charlady from Islington. This distractic requires all your De niro-esque acting chops. No one said shirking work would be easy.

Distratic Two: act as if you are under constant pressure and very likely on the verge of psychological and/or physical collapse. You should have a mantra and it should be something like, “Oh man, what a day, we were so busy. I didn't think that I was going to get everything done.”

Say it again with me: “Oh man, what a day, we were so busy. I didn't think that I was going to get everything done.”

Say that a few more times... there, feel that, it is almost like you've done work! You probably actually feel a little tired.

Hint: keep a spray bottle in your desk drawer and spritz your face down so you look like you are sweating under the weight of your work load.

This will dissuade co-workers, lazy hacks like yourself, from trying to shift their work load on to you. Make sure you complain about all the other projects you are working on: real, imaginary or otherwise. Combine that with your mantra and sweaty brow and they will eventually slink off to try to dump their work on someone else.

Your typical interaction with a co-worker should leave them feeling so sorry for you that they may buy you lunch or even offer to give you a food rub. Though the true goal is to firmly established yourself with this distractic so they offer to take projects or tasks on for you. In this way you create a task wheel of which you are the hub. The beauty is you can agree to do things for the boss and then have one of your 'spokes' pick it up and do it for you. This is a great distractic because work actually gets done and it looks as if you are doing it. Hurray!

This distractic is used universally by upper management. Soon they may recognize you as one of their own and you'll be on your way to a corner office and 'doing lunch'. The only thing required of you now is to book a decent tee time. Congratulations, you have been promoted. Don't thank me, thank Shakespeare.